WHAT WOULD MRS. ASTOR DO?: The Essential Guide to the Manners and Mores of the Gilded Age, about serious party people

WHAT WOULD MRS. ASTOR DO?: The Essential Guide to the Manners and Mores of the Gilded Age
CECILIA TICHI
NYU Press (non-affiliate Bookshop.org link)
$16.99 ebook, available now

Rating: 4* of five

The Publisher Says: This illustrated Gilded Age etiquette guide offers "proof that sliding around the naughty edges of society can be as informative as it is entertaining." (Alida Becker, The New York Times Books Review)

Mark Twain called it the Gilded Age. Between 1870 and 1900, the United States' population doubled, accompanied by an unparalleled industrial expansion and an explosion of wealth. America was the foremost nation of the world, and New York City was its beating heart. There, the richest and most influential—Thomas Edison, J. P. Morgan, Edith Wharton, the Vanderbilts, Andrew Carnegie, and more—became icons, whose comings and goings were breathlessly reported in the papers of Joseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst. It was a time of abundance, but also bitter rivalries. The Old Money titans found themselves besieged by a vanguard of New Money interlopers eager to gain entrée into their world. Into this morass of money and desire stepped Caroline Astor.

An Old Money heiress of the first order, Mrs. Astor was convinced that she was uniquely qualified to uphold the manners and mores of 19th century America. "What would Mrs. Astor do?" became the question every social climber sought to answer. This work serves as a guide to manners as well as an insight to Mrs. Astor's personal diary and address book. Ceceilia Tichi invites us on a beautifully illustrated tour of the Gilded Age, transporting readers to New York at its most fashionable.

I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA EDELWEISS+. THANK YOU.

My Review: So much beauty and opulence shoved up to the surface by so much greed and theft.

Let's not go there this close to the leanest Yule in many a long year. We're not remotely out of the woods economically, but this book is about a time where the economic situation was far, far worse. It's discussed in here, though not exhaustively. It's a social history, it's about how etiquette came to matter so much, which of course requires we know a bit about how the men, all men, stole...made, sorry...so very much money to support the women's social construct.

the lady herself, in her finery painted for posterity

The very idea of entertaining at home was made aspirational by the "Four Hundred" (the number who could fit in Mrs. Astor's ballroom); as late as the 1960s, the idea was prevalent, and while the means changed, the manners barely did.

my generation certainly heard Emily Post's name, same woman and mostly the same advice

Lina Astor was an insufferable snob. Her ballroom was for "the best people," whose money was so old no one living could remember the hustler who got it. Nouveau riche industrialists' wives need not apply. It was a world she ruled, but it was a reign of terror that had to be agreed to; there was nothing forcing anyone into this restrictive social contract except made-up ideas like prestige.

two robber-baron "homes," Manhattan and Newport

Oh, and money of course. Lots and lots and lots of money.Author Tichi does not bear down heavy on the whole "robber baron" thing. There's no way around the money ocean they swam in. It's rather the point of a beautiful, illustrated book about luxury.

smart excessories...I mean accessories!...for Madame and Sir

It's astonishing what boredom does to a person. This time period, up to then the richest in world history, led to wealth disparities but also to the cementing of the idea that one could live a life not mere have an existence. Vacations to exotic places, to different places than you frquented as usual anyway, and recreational shopping (a Georgian idea embraced effusively by the Astor set) became ordinary for these wealthy folk:

shopping and sitting, two "fun" things

What I enjoyed most about this read was the way Author Tichi left it to me to judge, presenting facts and showing (as you see) examples and artifacts for me to decide what I thought about. We are in a new Gilded Age of wealth disparity, and at an economic crossroads, just like these folk were. We need to think carefully about what we individually do, because that becomes by default collective action.

The gifting season should be replete with beautiful tokens of love and affection; that doesn't mean they can't be thought-provoking, interesting, and relevant, too.

then, a residence; now a museum

THE SOUL OF CIVILITY: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves, a concept that works to call forth better behavior

THE SOUL OF CIVILITY: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves
ALEXANDRA HUDSON
St. Martin's Press
$29.00 hardcover, available now

Rating: 5* of five

The Publisher Says: Alexandra Hudson, daughter of the "Manners Lady," was raised to respect others. But as she grew up, Hudson discovered a difference between politeness―a superficial appearance of good manners―and true civility. In this timely book, Hudson sheds light on how civility can help bridge our political divide.

From classical philosophers like Epictetus, to great twentieth-century thinkers like Martin Luther King Jr., to her own experience working in the federal government during one of the most politically fraught eras in our nation's history, Hudson examines how civility―a respect for the personhood and dignity of others―transcends political disagreements. Respecting someone means valuing them enough to tell them when you think they are wrong.

It’s easy to look at the divided state of the world and blame our leaders, the media, or our education system. Instead, we should focus on what we can accomplish ourselves. The Soul of Civility empowers readers to live tolerantly with others despite deep differences, and to rigorously protest wrongs and debate issues rather than silencing disagreements. A robust public discourse is essential to a truly civil society, and respecting others means telling hard truths. If enough of us decide to change ourselves, we might be able to change the world we live in, too.

Provocative, personal, and acutely relevant, The Soul of Civility is an essential book for our era.

I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.

My Review: A definition and an etymology:

civility /sĭ-vĭl′ĭ-tē/, noun.

1. Courteous behavior; politeness.
2. A courteous act or utterance.
3. The state of society in which the relations and duties of a citizen are recognized and obeyed; a state of civilization.

•
civility (n.) late 14c., "status of a citizen," from Old French civilite (14c.), from Latin civilis "relating to a citizen, relating to public life, befitting a citizen; popular, affable, courteous" (see civil). Later especially "good citizenship" (1530s). Also "state of being civilized" (1540s); "behavior proper to civilized persons" (1560s).

The source of civility, then, is the same as the source of citizenship and civilization. All of these are concepts for the state of living together; the implication is, in harmony or at least not at daggers drawn. These concepts then give rise to the precepts that make the concepts concrete...from adjective to noun.

The ideas in this book are very much attempts to concretize the concept of being civil, being a citizen among citizens, to allow and encourage a general state of civility to flourish in wider society. The very best way, in centuries of study on the subject, to effect this change is to begin in one's own self. Applying the principles of civility feels impossible when one sees so little evidence for it outside one's orbit...often enough inside it. The idea of this book is to afford the reader some evidence that this internal work is, in fact, a worthwhile use of time and effort.

I'll tell my own story: I live (involuntarily if you're wondering as well as inalterably for complicated reasons I cannot control) with someone I deeply dislike and look down on, an active alcoholic who possesses no sense of his own affect on others whether drunk or sober. I'm never going to think of someone like that as worthy of respect. However, he is. And applying Auther Hudson's definition of forgiveness as regards his behaviors' effects on me:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean allowing the same people or types of people to repeatedly harm us. Nor does forgiveness mean sweeping grievances under the rug, failing to confront the hurt in our own souls or confronting others with the hurt they’ve done to us. Forgiveness requires accountability, personal responsibility. It means respecting ourselves and others enough to be honest with them about the harm they may have caused.

...has made a huge difference in how my day-to-day life feels to me. I take accountability for the harms my judgment and anger cause; I offer myself forgiveness; and resolve to do better. Every single time I have applied this principle, I have experienced a positive change in his behavior. It is a process; it has fits and starts; I fail, he fails...but the point remains that, after seven years of angry resentment and much blaming and shaming from me to him, differences are stark and plain when they occur.

I think the fact that they *can* occur in this fraught a situation is proof that the author's point...being civil calls forth better from not only one's self but the others in our civilized orbit...is correct, and her instructional writing is very helpful.

Will it work in all situations? It has in all the situations where I have applied it, from angry, unhappy service providers to rude drunks. I'm pretty sure that's a testimonial to the conscious application of the learning I derived from this read.

It's a pleasant task to follow this erudite woman as she offers her learning to us. The fact is her beginnings in a world governed by manners is an enviably high platform from which to jump into the long, long history of writing on the subject of civility and its applications. I encourage even the most mannerly to engage with this expansion of the need for, and reasons behind, the practice of them in the society we live within.