SMITTEN: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last, a neuroscientist's self-help

SMITTEN: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last
TOM BELLAMY
St. Martin's Essentials (non-affiliate Bookshop.org link)
$15.99 ebook, available now

Rating: 3.5* of five

The Publisher Says: A groundbreaking exploration of the psychology of infatuation, how to recognize it, and how to move beyond it towards a healthier experience of love.

“Butterflies” in the stomach, intrusive thoughts, fantasies about imaginary scenarios, mood swings from euphoria to despair… aren't these all the familiar hallmarks of new love? Not quite. These are characteristics of the psychological state of “limerence,” also known as obsessive, passionate or addictive love that can become unhealthy.

Millions of people experience limerence at some point in their life. In this book, neuroscientist Tom Bellamy explores advances in neuroscience since the term was coined in the 1970s, and sheds light on this little-understood element of the human experience. Discover:

· what drives limerence
· how to recognize limerence in yourself and others
· how to manage the phases of addiction to another person
· how to move past it to sustain longer, more fulfilling relationships.

With supportive advice about next steps, this book will help readers struggling with unwanted feelings to find emotional equilibrium. Rooted in neuroscience, this book offers practical guidance for those experiencing obsessive love and seeking a path to a healthy relationship.

I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.

My Review: Living with Limerence is the author's blog of his experience as a sufferer from this recently described sociopsychological issue. It is not a diagnosis; it is not a presently recognized area of formal study; the author does not present himself as a mental-health professional, so is not held to any of the standards of those practitioners. His bio makes all this clear in what it does and does not say:

I’m a neuroscientist, writer and academic. I graduated with a PhD in Neuroscience from University College London in 2001, then worked as a research scientist at the Medical Research Council, and the Babraham Institute, Cambridge, before moving to the University of Nottingham in 2010.

Since then, I’ve run a research group investigating the nuts-and-bolts of how the brain works, and published dozens of papers on esoteric aspects of neurophysiology.

That background gave me a unique perspective on limerence, how to make sense of what’s going on in our traitor brains, and how to reprogram ourselves into leading more purposeful lives.

He is speaking from his own experience with confronting limerence in his life, and relatedly from his academic training in the workings of the brain. He is admirably clear of expression, understands the power of humor as well as the force of public vulnerability, in the discussion of what most of us don't experience when we get a crush or develop an infatuation or fall in (unrequited) love.

It is a study area just waiting for its academics to bring rigor, develop methodologies and establish vocabularies for, and grapple with the implications of, as our world becomes more and more mediated by machines. We're losing crucial social skills to social media and "AI"-centered experiences displacing sitting down to have a conversation with a real human.

Limerence is only going to rise in its prominence because of its intersection with parasocial interactions. Author Bellamy, and his seeming role model in limerence study Dorothy Tennov, come at this ancient but only-recently described feeling from different angles: she was a psychologist attempting to get "Love Studies" on an academic footing while his more function-of-the-brain focus arises from his neurobiology training.

In writing this book and its blog predecessor, Author Bellamy does yeoman work presenting the current state of the science. He is also careful to stress, through reinforcing restatement, the liberating reality check: Limerence is not, in itself, mental illness; it can be an indicator of underlying issues such as those present in attachment theory (q.v.) but are not necessarily full-on symptoms of anything. It is a very helpful reminder not to self-diagnose. However, I'm not entirely comfortable with the self-help half of the read. The author speaks from personal experience of the issue and has conducted polls to determine certain facts from other self-described sufferers, but this is not (nor is it presented as) peer-reviewed science. Yet. I predict it will be, and relatively soon, because the incidences of limerence in my own social circle are not falling....

As with all mental-health and -adjacent issues I encourage you to read all self-help books with the intention of going on to have fuller, more wide-ranging conversations with someone trained and licensed to interact with you on a theraputic footing. It will hurt you not at all to go into those conversations with information you have acquired by reading self-help books. Be ready to discuss the reading's merits with your mental-health as openly as you can. Not every expert can be trusted to address your unique personal needs.

I think my review needs to include this clear-sighted, honest, grounded in experience statement from Author Bellamy:

Limerence fades. Regardless of how spectacular the thrills are at the beginning of a relationship, expecting that euphoric connection to last more than a few months is unrealistic. Quite apart from how exhausting it would become, it doesn't make sense from an evolutionary perspective. Limerence is the drive to form a pair bond tight enough to result in conception; it has no real role in making it last.

It's true, it's a fact known for thousands of years (in writing; millennia before that, since humans aren't so very different seen as a whole), and it always, always helps to know you are not the first, you are not the only, and you are not alone in the struggles you're having.

I can't be more generous with my stars for the trepidatious responses outlined above, but combined with appropriate professional consultation I think the information presented here in a highly...almost annoyingly...conversational style bids fair to give the reader a giant gift of feeling Seen and understood.